For Those Who Judge Posting “Personal Problems”, And Why Some Put It All Out There….

Deep breath, here we go. This isn’t going to hit everyone the same way. We are as individual in how and what we communicate as our fingerprints, and that carries over into our perceptions of how and what others communicate as well.

Now I will start by saying this is not going to be a broad-spectrum discussion on various topics, because (obviously) there are things we should be private about (problems in a relationship with a partner, keeping a confidence, etc) but I will focus only on sharing/not sharing/over sharing as it relates to health and illness.

There is such a whirlwind of differing opinions when it comes to how open we (for purposes of this post I am referring to chronic illness sufferers) are with our struggles and symptoms and the emotional states we find ourselves in because of said struggles.

See prior posts: Judgment & Scrutiny Living With Chronic Illness

The Mighty: Why the Ill Post On Facebook

When You Are Put Down For Being Your Illness

The foundation for me as to why, is at its most basic stated in this quote and these verses:

“God never intended that we should suffer alone, that we should suffer for nothing. “~Joni Eareckson Tada

Joni’s Testimony Here about 50 yrs as a quadriplegic

“Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction so that we will be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For just as the sufferings of Christ are ours in abundance, so also our comfort is abundant through Christ. But if we are afflicted, it is for your comfort and salvation; or if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which is effective in the patient enduring of the same sufferings which we also suffer;”

‭‭2 Corinthians‬ ‭1:3-6‬ ‭

We are given many examples in the Bible how we are to bare each other’s burdens, share in each other’s suffering, comfort and come alongside those who are sick, hurting, broken….

When did it become an “unchristian” thing to be honest about what you are going through? Or when did it start meaning you lacked faith if you were suffering? If that is true let’s start scrutinizing and judging King David, the Apostle Saul, and well just about every writer and prophet in the Bible! (To say nothing of the entire New Testament!).

What if Joni had never shared her story? Never written? Was never honest about her suffering, but instead had just put on a brave face? I can guarantee she would not have a ministry, not have touched millions, and worst of all not fulfilled God’s calling on her life and His plan and purpose in her trials.

Have you ever read a biography about someone overcoming great difficulty? Were you inspired how they suffered and what they went through and yet kept going?

What about how much you were inspired by a person’s biography where everything went great their whole lives; lots of money, great health, everything went right in their lives….won every race and accomplished every goal? Yeah. Me either.

No not everyone is called to share their dark moments of the soul, or all the ways their bodies betray them on a daily basis, and that’s ok. But don’t judge the ones who are. The ones who share with purpose…to try and get help. To try and help others. To spread awareness. To invoke change.

True you may be “too close” to the person who has suddenly become a verbal geyser of health talk to see clearly why they do what they do; because you know who they were before, and make your own judgments as to their motives.

And I don’t know the truth in every situation, because there certainly are attention seekers out there… What I do know is that the vocal ones are changing the world one person and one community at a time. I thank God for the ones who have, and still help me, who post and blog and share. I learn from them. I am encouraged by them. I love forward in my own journey because of them.

And I also thank God that I have also been able to help others.

None of which would have been possible had we stayed silent.

I am far from perfect, I have over the years been confronted with a lot of my own ugliness; both what has sprung forth from a sick brain, and what is just apart of my fallen self that has needed weeding. That said, I would like to think that with Christ’s help I am here for the right reasons, I refuse to waste my suffering, and I will not stop being open and raw and real as long as God has me in that place, no matter what stage I’m at. And if I’m healed I will not forget or close the door to those who come behind me, who need to read a blog about how they are not alone and that others have walked the path before them.


Trusting God In The Process


“God sees not as man sees, for man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.”

1 Samuel 16:7

“Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where rust destroys and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where thieves do not break in or steal;”

Matthew 6:19-20 (abridged)

Make the goal.

Make the deadline.

Accomplish the task.

Make enough money.

Be a success.

Attain the stuff.

Endure/put up with/get through The trial or difficulty simply with the goal of having it be over so you can get back to doing all of the above.

In our humanity and our society we are very much goal oriented as far as how we consider success. But we are also very much that way when it comes to trials or difficulties; just get to the end and have it be over with! We see the entire “goal” of difficulty to have it be over.

This seems to be very much magnified in our modern Western society where we are driven by comfort, accomplishment, acknowledgement and success. These things are the alter at which we worship and pay tribute to with our very lives.

How opposite we are of God in our viewpoint due to our finiteness.

Because you see God is all about the process. Backwards thinking huh? Or as one of my best friends would say “upside down Kingdom”.


…we will stand amazed to see the topside of the tapestry and how God beautifully embroidered each circumstance into a pattern for our good and His glory.

Joni Eareckson Tada (quadriplegic for 50 years)

Anyone who has seen the hugely popular Stranger Things understands the concept of the “upside down”. A world in perfect mirror of ours only it is dark, decaying and full of monsters.

Of course in this Sci-Fi series the “good” world is our own natural one.

But in reality (not tv) we exist in the fallen world where there is death, evil, disasters and pain. It is hard to imagine the perfect Eden God created and what this world was meant to be. But having an awareness that Christ’s death ripped the veil and brought about the Kingdom age of the earth (the indwelling of the Holy Spirit and direct access to heaven in prayer) can change our perspectives of being in defeat, to coming into awareness that victory has already been won.

The enemy’s number one goal at its heart is really about destroying our victory and awareness of who we are in Him.

Ahhh but spiritual warfare is a lengthy topic for another day….. (But hold onto that knowledge!).

Are you downtrodden and disappointed right now? In deep suffering and trial? Is it bringing you poverty, loneliness, oppression, discrimination? Are you low on wealth, love, employment, friends, family, health and comfort?

Those are all super important and the basics in life, and yet they are still things and count as treasures on earth.

No, it doesn’t seem fair and before you think I pass judgment, I am also poor and suffering in many of those same things and have been for years.

“Therefore we do not lose heart, but though our outer man is decaying, yet our inner man is being renewed day by day. For momentary, light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison, while we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen; for the things which are seen are temporal, but the things which are not seen are eternal.”

2 Corinthians 4:16-18


“For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus.”

Philippians 1:6

Once we have an understanding and acceptance and even appreciation of God’s process (especially when it comes to our own situation) this doesn’t always mean that our attitudes or emotions at every given moment reflect this understanding.

Emotions fluctuate.

It took many years but I did finally come to not regretting years of illness and the loss of so much life to something that was out of my control.

I came to appreciate all that God had done in me and through me and continues to do. That said, in the years since that understanding I have not always been happy about it, or always appreciated or not reverted to regret.

I have to admit right now being in the season where negativity has been over- running any kind of positivity and I really don’t like myself very much right now.

I have experienced the ebbs and flows that go on in my body, my mind, my emotions and my spirit for so many years that I feel like I can never find level footing as far as where I am in my life, or my spirituality or my own personality. This can be incredibly frustrating especially when I am very much aware of it and how it is affecting myself and others.

As is usual during the more negative times I am quite aware that there is very much a physical component to my outlook comprised of how my internal organs are functioning, my hormones, my toxicity levels and many other factors. But that does not mean I am not responsible to take control to the best of my ability my relationship with God in these times and with others.

Whether I feel like it or not it is in these times that I should all the more dig my feet in as hard as I can into Jesus and into the Word to counterbalance the chaos and negativity inside my mind my body.

What happens when I act out of obedience and do just that? What you’re reading right now is a fruit of what happens. God opens up a channel and I’m able to do the best I can with his help to write for him.


We know that as long as we have breath in life that God is not finished with us. When he is “done” (for reasons that are wrapped in the mystery of his will), we go home. So while we have life whether we be in the midst of trials and difficulties or if we are blessed enough to have things easy; we should never stop seeking, growing, learning, exploring all the things that God has for us in our hearts and souls.

Because that’s why we are here right now, for those things in ourselves and in others.

We’ve Got stuff to do. And if we don’t know what that stuff is right now, at least we know Who to go to to ask.

Knowing God is the beginning of knowing His will and getting to understand what He is up to. Because when we are going through horrible trials we lose our comforts and the very things that (we think) bring us stability (such as money, a steady job, a loving relationship or our health). When we lose our foundations our world is rocked and we have nothing to stand on.

But I think that is the point. When we lose our false foundations we truly do know where we are spiritually, how much faith is real and how much we do or don’t trust God. That is why we are told to consider it all joy when we have trials, because we know we have God’s loving attention and He is looking to building the gold inside us by removing the costume jewelry we have surrounded ourselves with.

“You can never learn that Christ is all you need, until Christ is all you have.”

~Corie Ten Boom

If you have not read Corie Ten Boom’s story I highly recommend it. She survived a German concentration camp and witnessed the murder of her family as well as countless others.

“”Behold, I have refined you, but not as silver; I have tested you in the furnace of affliction.”

Isaiah 48:10


We will all go through trials and difficulties. It’s not a maybe it’s a sure thing. The difference is how we choose to face them and Who we choose to face them with and what we allow Him to do in the midst.

One thing that is assured in Christ is that (hear this!) it’s not for nothing and it’s not pointless!!! Quite the opposite. Rather instead we have blessings that would have been unattainable otherwise. I don’t know about you but if I’m going to suffer I sure want to be looking for the treasure and not miss out. It doesn’t mean it’s easy, but it means I will continue to ebb and flow in this journey of life and go through the cycles of negativity only to bob my head free again and recognize the truths God keeps reminding me of and giving me a better understanding of as I work at running the race.

Being Real

I wanted to speak to all of you from the heart for a few minutes (besides a health and circumstances update). I know that my posts can be a little wordy, but if you can stick with me to the end I would really appreciate it. I have had some serious ups and downs recently, not just physically but emotionally, mentally and spiritually too, and that is something I am going to try and be raw and real about.
As you all know these health difficulties have been plaguing myself and my family for decades, but especially my sister and I. And with this recent setback (again) it is so easy to feel depressed, lonely and hopeless….
Today on this sunny Saturday I think of all of you out there, socializing, having fun, seeing friends, being outside, doing things…. living normally. And for me this morning my POTS is acting up and it is hard for me to even stand without feeling breathless and weak and having waves of heat. (More on POTS below). Another day of my life sacrificed to the Lyme gods as they accept my life as an offering one day at a time (please no one be offended by this little metaphor). 
So this is going to be another in a long line of weekends for me basically in bed resting. I have given about 2/3 of my adult life to this: go to work, go to bed, repeat. I’m back in that cycle where I have just enough strength to work my part time job….and not much else. I call these cycles many things, including Survival Mode and the Chronic Illness Coma. I feel isolated, forgotten, left out and lonely. I keep seeing the years of my life tick by and my life eroding away, with opportunities disappearing on a fading horizon. 

Try and picture for a moment if this was your life for years and years, and you found yourself in your late thirties having your youth behind you having never properly experienced it. You are alone. You’ve never had a significant other or even an opportunity to get one, and you watch most of your friends live there lives from a distance doing “normal” things that you have never experienced and are not normal for you.
I had a very bad weekend last week; besides having a scare and being in the ER on Saturday, I was also very depressed and the enemy saw an opportunity to open a wound. 
The mind can go down Dark rabbit holes so easily: This isn’t living. Alone. Single. Sick. Struggling. My brain and body betray me. Thinking about eventually having my parents die and (gulp) Shiloh in time, and being utterly alone and destitute with no one to be a support is not a fun thought. I also feel like I am such a financial burden and my parents would be so much better off and more secure if I just died. (That’s a major one Satan like to come at me with). 
Thank you to a couple friends who encouraged me last Sunday and reminded me who I am in Christ, and who just listened and let me be real with my feelings.

That said, I am peeking back out of that dark corner and God is reminding me that faith and Who He is for me and His power over my circumstances have nothing to do with my emotions or mindset or the infections in my body and brain that are effecting those things.

After all, faith is all about what we do not see, what we do not feel, and relying on He Who dwells outside the shallowness of those things. 
Why did I share all that? I don’t think it’s because I want pity. I want to be normal, I just want to live, I don’t want to be a person that needs pity! No, rather I just want to be heard and understood and I feel like when I drop off the face of the earth that I don’t do so to the people in my life as well, and I’m just forgotten. 

I do want to thank the couple people who do stay in contact with me, it means the world. Just a text, just a “hi”, nothing fancy, just knowing I’m not forgotten.
Why The Chronically Ill Post TMI

Thank you so much for reading this far.
As far as myself and my sister Holly as you know we are going through treatments right now to deal with some deep parasitic and other infections in our bodies that are not only gut related but are attacking our livers, kidneys and other organs too, and the treatment has been rough. I just did my retest lab work this last week to confirm what infections remain after phase 1 and how to approach my Phase 2 in this next round of treatment. I have had it confirmed that (among other things) I do still have Bartonella: What is Bartonella & its Symptoms?

 Babesia: What is Babesia & its Symptoms?

which are the two major Lyme coinfections. 

My POTS which is usually mild also goes to more of a moderate degree when I have a flare up, and that’s been difficult ( Lyme & POTS )
My sister and I could use prayer that these treatments work, and that maybe this will be the beginning to the end of this multi-decade battle.
Lyme (collective term for Borrelia, coinfections and complications) is so hard to treat because it can change form, hide from the immune system, be antibiotic resistant, cross the blood-brain barrier and infect any and all parts of the body, and treatments are basically going layer by layer, getting deep stuff to come to the surface, and repeating the process. 

A good metaphor would be weeding a garden: you pull weeds, you rototill, you use poison, you pull up roots and do your best with what you see. But you miss a few roots, you can’t always identify every weed, and the “poison” ruins the soil so you have to keep replenishing as you’re killing, and just when you think you got it all…. you find there’s stuff you missed that starts growing and taking over again.
Here is also a good link on why treatments make you feel worse: What is a Herx?

Wow guys, thanks for sticking with me and hearing me out! Even with all that writing it is still just a summary. 

Please also pray for God’s financial provision as for this season expenses have again skyrocketed into about 5,000 a month.

I have been unable to paint again, and that has been disheartening. If anyone has any clever ideas for fundraisers let me know! (It would have to be in the realm of my capacity). 

Steidl Family Lyme Fund
Jennifer’s Lyme Fund
Thank you again for taking the time to read all this. 


Don’t Miss Out On The Collateral Beauty 

I just watched a movie called Collateral Beauty; (you probably saw the trailer at Christmas time), a tale of a broken man and a call back to life from unexpected sources. Well not what I would call a great or life-changing film, I would say it was a good one, and it had some good life lessons that were given to us by “death”, “time”, and “love”.
One line in the film spoken by “love” to a hurting man who lost his child was “yes I was there in her smile, there in her laughter, there inside you in the happiness…..But what you need to know is that I am here also in your pain. I am in everything and the reason for everything. ”
I found this incredibly profound and in a sense very true; but instead of simple love as the world would understand it, I replace that with the person of Jesus Christ; Who in himself is the embodiment of love. “For God so loved the world that he gave his only son….”

He is the reason. He is the purpose. He is as relevant in our joy as He is in our suffering. He catches every tear and often we feel Him more closely in pain than in joy. 
In the blindness of our own humanity so often we fail to see Him working underneath the surface, but He is, even (especially) in our misery.

For He said He causes all things to work together for the good of those who are called according to his purpose. That is where our faith and our hope lies; nothing, I repeat nothing is wasted when we are in Christ. Quite the opposite. All things are redeemed for his glory and our good.

Sometimes we are lucky (blessed) enough to catch glimpses of Him working miraculously in the most difficult and tragic circumstances. When we get these glimpses of his hand at work sometimes we call it a miracle. But may I propose that this is the normal and not the extraordinary? Do we need to see with our eyes, or do we need to know what God is up to in order to believe that He is always, always working underneath the surface of all things at all times? For his ways are higher than our ways, his thoughts are higher than our thoughts. And in his omniscience He weaves webs with a million strands of intricacy with multi-faceted intentionality in every life circumstance. Not because of who we are, but because of Who He is.
So no matter what is happening, whether you see a purpose or not, whether you simply see the circumstance or maybe get a glimpse beneath the surface into the divine….. “just make sure you notice the collateral beauty”. 


Is Hope A Burden? And Accepting Circumstances…

I have been in a different place as of late; all I can say is that there has been an internal shift and this last round of die-off did something to me on a deep level.

As you know (I think at least) I had kind of a double whammy that began with starting a cellular detox May 20th followed by treatment by my LLDC May 23rd where he found that the three B’s were in remission, but that I had Epstein Barr, Non-STD Clamydia, Erhlychia, Lyme Coinfection virus A and C, plus Protozoa.  The first several days after treatment I was fine, felt great in fact and even had some activities with friends. But then I got hit hard and went back down the rabbit hole as I call it. I had been experiencing horrible body pain (much worse than the norm), bad enough to keep me from sleeping at night and causing several bouts of tears, both from the pain and frustration. Also any energy I had got snuffed out, went into a foggy place again, swelling worse… You know, all the usual stuff. 

Somewhere in the midst of this the hopeful light in me went out; it’s just been too many years….too much struggle. Thankfully I felt a slight lift a few days ago and checking the calendar it coincided almost exactly with six weeks post/treatment (they always say die off runs about six weeks with this therapy). I am still not feeling great but I think (hope) this accute bad spell is behind me. But I am left on the other side of this most recent storm a little different than when I went in. It’s hard to explain; I have been through the mind-numbing years when things were unbearable and I was in a state of apathy, grieving and hopelessness, simply surviving one day at a time. I have been through the period following this of awakening and letting go of grief and the regrets of lost time and loss of life and having so much hope for the future… Letting myself dream again. But now I seem to be in a place of complacent acceptance where hope itself has become a burden and not a joy. 

I guess I need to clarify that I have not lost hope in the Lord or the fact that He has good things planned for me or is doing good things, not at all. By His grace I have grown so much and continue to grow. I am blessed by a family I love dearly and we all weather this ongoing storm of chronic illness together because we are all in the same boat, it’s drawn us closer. I am blessed by some of the best friends a person could possibly have. I am blessed by my dog who is a gift from God (Shiloh’s Story). I am immensely blessed by my current job and the people I work with. But I am coming to recognize that some things I hoped would happen in my life are not happening and may never happen, and living every day thinking about what may never be is exhausting. So I am mentally closing the door on finding love, having a family, being “normal”, traveling, all the stuff that people do….  If God chooses to open that door that’s up to Him and it will be welcome, but I need to accept this little room and this life the way it is and just live my best for God one footstep at a time, one encounter at a time. If an online platform for fellow I.I. Sufferers is my calling and my little window out into the world, I have to be okay with that.

No I can’t be financially independent. Yes I have limited energy and have to manage my spoons. Yes life is a yo-yo with periods of brief normalcy followed by times of scraping by. Folks I’m just tired, and desires for the big stuff has kind of been squelched. 

Is this a good thing or a bad thing? Honestly I’m not sure, and the answer may be a little of both. I have been reminded a few times lately of Joni Earicson Tada and her story and her amazing minsistry. She had to come to acceptance of the fact that she would never use her arms or legs again (something that is unimaginable to me) and she has lived in so much grace and love. She has touched millions and that never could have happened if she grew bitter or kept striving for healing that would never come. I can’t think of a better role model than Joni. Who am I then to think I deserve better than this life of struggle I am living? Even if I am single forever and I never have a typical/normal life or the things most people take for granted, Or will never be able to eat everything I want, or do activities I want, if I forever have to pick and choose between things in life according to my energy level, if I have to deal with a certain level of constant pain, fatigue and swelling…I am still blessed and I can do a lot if I just let God do whatever He wants to do with me day by day.

So today after having taken a nap that has (again) become a common occurrence, sitting here on my bed with a bit of deep tissue pain, the usual swelling, headache and fatigue… I recognize I was also able to take a little walk in the pleasant summer rain with my fur baby love of my life, come home to a safe comfortable place to my loving family, and be able to write this post. Life is hard, but it can still be good 🙂

Beautiful slightly stormy sky this evening 


No Wasted Days In The Kingdom

My dear friends a couple days ago I wrote a new blog post trying to explain what it was like on a day of struggle. I wrote it as an outlet on a bad day that (seemed) like a total waste and just another hole in my life; I had no idea how wrong I was…

Lately I have been exploring with the Lord what it really, truly, tangibly means to work out my faith and walk in faith when I (feel) that my life is in a stagnant state, not being able to do everything I want to do, not being able to be active in the way I want…

What I believe He has been teaching me is that this means that my posture before Him must be one of praise, worship and rejoicing no matter what I feel or what my eyes see. That working out my faith in these places is all about attitude, perspective and obedience.

Also I have found that He has been working on my worst days when I do choose to be obedient. It’s hard when you are alone in your room not feeling up to doing anything and you’re like “Lord, what does being obedient look like on a day of nothingness?”

On a few of these days He has called me to write and this has been more fruitful than me writing on days I feel better.

So back to His miracle of redemption on me writing about a day of waste and emptiness. 

I wrote the post I shared ( Confessions Of A Functioning Lymie) on what it’s like to live through one of those in between days where people don’t see you, where you don’t feel up to doing anything, and God used that post in ways I didn’t see coming. 

You see I’ve been blogging for about 3 1/2 years about my Lyme journey and it has been fruitful and God has definitely used it to reach and help others. I do get contacted personally from time to time by other Lyme sufferers both through my blog and Facebook page, sometimes asking for help and advice. This can be overwhelming at times and heart-wrenching at hearing the depth of suffering and being unable to help, especially when the people have no access to treatment or the ability to afford it.

Usually when I post something new I will get under a hundred hits on that given day, but of course visitors will continue to read it over the coming days, months and years… The biggest “explosion” I have ever gotten in my years of blogging on a single blog post was over 200 hits in one day and it was something! 

Weeeeell, much to my surprise my most recent post exploded like nothing I have ever had before; other Lyme bloggers and Lyme related pages re-blogged and re-posted and on its first day it got about 1,200 hits, 2,300 on its second day, and as of about 8pm Saturday the 18th it’s gotten just over 6,100 hits. This is beyond me and my ability to promote. 

Well boy oh boy is God teaching me about redemption. I am getting so many responses and personal messages that are touching me and breaking my heart, but showing me how God uses suffering. Here are a few:

Blog Comments

(Since these people’s comments are public when they post them I am hoping it is okay to include some here)

I am struggling terribly. I have been diagnosed and the drs office treated me until the ins stopped paying the huge mark ups on the seevices and no lyme in Texas theroy leaves me bewildered. No one will treat my Lyme and I have lost all hope. My finances are terrible and the drs lack basic knowledge and refuse any effort. The disease is winning and clearly my husband and my kids 5 teens and 1 yr old grand baby deserve better…”.   ~Sara
Thank you for writing this. You just described my life verbatim. Although I do not enjoy hearing of another’s suffering, it is nice to know that I am not alone, and that someone else knows and understands what I am going through. God bless and speed you in your recovery, may your good days outnumber the bad ones and continue to multiply!”   ~Cheryl

“Is there a way to subscribe to your blog? I am not seeing it. I just read your BIO and it sounds just like me so I’d love to see your new posts as they come. Thanks.”        ~Traci

Thank you for writing this……I feel like I could of wrote this myself as this is exactly how my life is on a daily basis down to the exact meds and trying to plan out when to take them. Glad I’m not crazy and the only one that experiences these specific things. I wish you all the best and hope the good days start to out weigh the bad.”       ~Brenda

Wow. I’m at a stage where I don’t talk about my symptoms anymore because even I’m bored of hearing it and I’m also embarrassed every time I see that “oh, here we go again!” look on someone’s face if I dare to mention that my legs hurt or I’m exhausted (the usual response is “but you haven’t done anything!”). This is the first time I have read the experiences of others and it is so good to know that I’m not a mad, paranoid, hypochondriac but a normal person living with a disease that the medical profession will not accept or treat. “.          ~Julie

me exactly as well. it’s been going on (and off and on and off and on) for 21 years. danced (clean) for a solid 4 hours about two weeks ago, and paid for it a few days later and currently still in recovery mode. my first appointment with a lyme-literate professional is tomorrow. THANK YOU FOR THIS. ~Gwupara

Thank you so much for writing and sharing this! It’s as is if I was ready my life! You are right, only Lymies will understand and that’s what I try to remind myself when I feel judged. They are not walking in my shoes so it’s not fair for me to judge others either. Praying for strength and health for us all!”   ~Karen

“Hooked up to my IV antibiotic as I read your post! Late stage Lyme that is attacking the Neuro stem of my brain. Ms/stroke like flares that occur about every 5 weeks lasting 7-10 days. Right sided paralysis, left sided severe migraine, cognitive impairment, visual distortion, aphasia and slurred speech, all over painful muscle spasms with continual involuntary twitching. The body becomes possessed and there is nothing to be done about it until the flare runs its course.             You then have 3 or so weeks to recover, get back on your feet and try to regain some strength, just in time to do it all over again!     A total nightmarish hell that began out of the blue 3 years ago slowly killing me a bit more with each day that passes.                                       I get up, dress up, makeup, and show up usually with a smile! Must not quit, must continue to perservire. What’s the alternative! Got two small kids, can’t work, going bankrupt due to Medical bills and tests not being covered. The list goes on and on with no explanations, rationalizations or solutions. Just prayers, prayers and more prayers, to understand, to cope, to live”.        ~Sheryl

Thanks you so much for this. It made me cry but also gave me a chance to post it to my friends to see if they can understand me. I am on a downward spiral and I can’t seem to stop it. I am in a wheelchair but I keep working 3 days a week. You could of written this for me. Thanks heaps and I hope that your struggle is less. xxxxx”.  ~M.I.

“I’m so sorry. You have just described my life exactly. I was in medical management and had to stop because of what you described. I walked in everyday after work and got in bed and stayed there. Now, my disability insurance is denying my claim…..”    ~Kathy

The other amazing thing is what was happening last Monday night the 13th; despite not feeling well and having worked all day, I went to a gathering of six ladies Monday night. One of the things we did as a group was each of us prayed and had an activity of writing down prophetic words for each other. It was amazing as they were read around the room because of the continuity of what was received from the Spirit for each woman and each had so much personal meaning.

For me, sitting there, not feeling well and not being as “present” as I would have liked I received words from three out of the five women about hearts; having a ministry to other people’s hearts/that people would come to me for healing not of their bodies but for their hearts/that people would come to me because I would understand/that God has entrusted me with a heart ministry…(!!!)

Wow, none of these ladies knew what was going on in the online world that day and that people were indeed flocking to my post and messaging me.

I was so touched by God and His redemption and that He was using me on a day I felt empty and unusable. It really teaches me on a deep level truths I already knew; everything God says about suffering. 
Suffering has been talked about so much at my home church and we have all suffered, none of us has been untouched by it. I know I have shared that God as our Redeemer and His redemptive power has become so personal to me and that not only can we believe that He can use our suffering for our good, His glory, a testimony, a ministry, to comfort others with the comfort we have received, our refinement, growth in faith…. But that we can with TENACITY chase down these things in the very midst of suffering as our blood-bought right in Christ! We needn’t sit back and think that during the trial is just a misery to get to the blessing at the end, and have promises at the end of suffering, no, ours in Christ is having those promises in the midst of suffering; a promise and purpose in every pain. Nothing ever wasted, ever. 

I was also very blessed yesterday to get in on an appointment five days sooner than what was scheduled with my doctor in Anacortes. The pain, swelling and fatigue had really upped their anti the last several weeks (I still believe it’s die off from my treatment of half a dozen little buggers). I had really taken a dive and have been sleeping like 12 hours a day with naps in between on days I’m not working. He said that my autoimmune reactivity was indeed very bad and he could tell my body was in crisis mode.

Thankfully he did necessary adjustments and hopefully the fire will calm down. Pain and swelling still bad bad bad today, but I feel clearer and have a better sense of well being.

Onward and upward. 💚 #deathtocoinfections 👊🏻
To sum it up though I have been given yet another shot of hope, not so much in my body as in my spirit, and I know that there are facets to this journey I have not even begun to understand as far as what God is doing. But I know He is working mightily. 


Tears In The Wee Hours

It is 4:30am and my alarm is set for 8:30am. This has been happening too much lately and it is taking a bit of a toll.

Today is Christmas Eve and I have to admit the tears are falling right now. I am getting hit with that little stab to the heart that happens every holiday season. I know so many people experience this and especially the chronic illness community.  I am thinking about later today when we will gather with family and I will see my cousins who are married with kids, my uncle and aunt who are grandparents… Everyone else who are where they ought to be for the stage they are at in their lives, and that deep sense of loneliness hits.

I do have to say that this year has been better in that my health is very much on the upswing and God has been immeasurably good in so many ways, I have so much to be thankful for. I have not been dwelling on my lack at all, but the holiday/birthday blues have been hunting me like a ninja and I succumbed to a sneak attack. So even though I need my sleep and have to work today before the Christmas gathering tonight, I find myself crying in the dark over all the things that haven’t happened yet in my life and swallowing that pity pill that says they never will.

I will get over it of course; Because what I am feeling is pain, loneliness, grief and sadness, none of which come from God, and instead really are what the enemy is using to bring me down and rob me of my joy. Haven’t I been able to claim His joy in my trials? Am I now going to forget that fact in this one?

He has shown me how He can meet my needs far beyond what I can ask or think. After all God’s plan of salvation for mankind was in place before the creation of the world, how much more can He mend me right now?

On that note, I hope I can get a little more sleep right now and my eye puffs will be gone by morning.

Merry Christmas 🎄

Christmas Day Update: So I woke up in the dark yesterday and cried myself awake (never did get back to sleep) and I went to bed last night in the dark and cried myself to sleep. For my tears in the evening between these times my sweet dog comforted me and licked the tears off my nose. It’s so dumb because as I am bawling I am repenting of it at the same time because I know my attitude should be joyful. Oh well, maybe next year will be different.