Fire

I didn’t think I would be going through this again, that feeling of being poisoned.all the tissues in my body feel like they’ve been lit on fire, I don’t know how else to describe it it is deep burning pain in the tissue especially my legs but also my arms and torso. I know the fluid in my body’s going crazy when my slip on shoes become really tight and I get lines around my ankles.  

 I have been having abdominal cramping off and  on the past few days and suddenly put on weight and the water retention is insane. What drives me crazy is I really have no idea why! The past two days I’ve been using the symptom tracker on my phone to try and correlate if there’s anything on eating that I could possibly be reacting to. 

I did find that I had been eating too many naturally sugary foods like dates some figs.

And the last couple days I have had some sweet potato that had smoky paprika on it, I am wondering if this could be the culprit being that paprika is a nightshade. But could that cause this systematic agony? Feeling like someone beat me up with a baseball bat and then rubbed me with sandpaper?

Ugh, so tired of this. The other thing that made me wonder is the fact that I’ve been using some avocado oil, plain raw avocado does cause me little bit of stomach distress, but I think I am having allergic reactions to coconut, so coconut oil is out. You can’t cook safely with olive oil, canola oil isnt good for you, I am allergic to sesame and nut  oils, and I can’t use potter because I am dairy free. I swear I just need to put into a medically induced coma and be on an IV drip for a good three months and not eat or drink anything to give my gut a  rest.

OK, rant over. Pain and misery hopefully short-lived.

Stumbling

the last 6 weeks or so I have been struggling. After getting myself on a “good cycle” for a while with the help of my docs I have been in another bout of fatigue, gut stuff, worse swelling…. (My ankles tonight actually scared me). 

I know a big part of it is that the progesterone therapy has been really hard to adjust to. When I started my first round I was knocked down so hard the first 5 days or so with fatigue I couldn’t even stay awake during the day (yes, I am taking it at night). This second round has not been as bad but I am in the midst of what has become the common state of my life for so many years; a state of fatigue and downright tiredness. Now I am going to go into “Lymie speak” because I know the Lymies and the chronic illness sufferers will understand this; this isn’t the same level of “deep to the bones, mind numbing, I think I am going to die, and if I’m not please someone kill me so I can sleep fatigue” that is your life in the midst of the worst of this disease, but it is more like I am still myself but with layers of mono, anemia and maybe a dash of flu. Plus of course the swelling and gut.

But I must say the bad swelling and gut stuff might be exacerbated by the fact that the progesterone strips me of my self-control and makes me want to EAT. And by loss of self-control I am not talking about carbo loading or major cheats, I am talking what bad eating looks like for me, which is stuff like eating pumpkin seeds several days in a row, or some dark chocolate (the good ingredient low-sugar organic kind), and my boldest cheat, gulp, some sheep milk yogurt today. 😔

My body hates me, that’s all I can say. Because the reaction I get feels like I did something truly dreadful like sour dough bread and butter. 

My mind toggles back and forth between “this is crazy, something is desperately wrong because those little things should not cause a full-on autoimmune freak out” and “you have not given your body the break it needs to get better. A bite here, and item there…it’s my own self-sabotage“. I am immensely guilt ridden when I don’t make it though the day with flying colors and can’t control myself as strictly as I would like to, and frustrated that I have been knocked from getting back into a good exercise routine, back to ground zero because of fatigue.  I really want to do a 2 week vegan cleanse just to give my body a break if I can muster up the will power.

Even my coworkers said I looked drained and have been looking sicker and more tired. My skin and color aren’t as good either.

So, how do I get back out of this? I’m not sure but there is one bright light in all this; I have been just rejoicing in the Lord and He has been sustaining me. I have also been able to keep my creativity up, which is also a blessing. Hopefully my body follows soon.  

 

Down Again

i am in th middle of another set back and feel horrible. What is frustrating is that I just don’t understand why. At this point driving 8 hours over two days, attending a concert and getting a little dehydrated should not put me on the floor. 

The last couple days I have felt so fatigued and weak I can barely function, plus my inflammation/water retention is way up, my brain is fuzzy and my emotions feel out of whack.

I really don’t get it. I did eat some different food being out of town, but nothing “bad”. Alright yes I did have some bacon from Whole Foods that turned out to have some celery powder in it, and I did have a little chocolate. But is my body so highly sensitive that I end up feeling like I’ve had a 6 month set back? This is ridiculous and needs to stop. 

I don’t even know what to say. 

Photo I took Saturday