Out Of Touch (Interactive Post!)

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Has anyone else found that longs years of illness have left them out of touch with reality? I have been giving this a lot of thought as of late (but not for the first time over the years) how illness leads to isolation and isolation changes how you go about doing things and how you go about doing things changes how you think of things and how you think of things changes your perception…….

I am doing my best to articulate all this but I am not sure I am doing a very good job. I think there is a separation between the chronic illness sufferer and the rest of the world that creeps in over time. It is like a slow ebbing away that you do not notice until it is huge, and you wonder how you got so out of touch. I have observed that is why there are so many female Lyme bloggers, they are trying to reach out using their words. I also think that they are all articulate well spoken women who have learned to use their words to convey all their thoughts and emotions. (We all seem to be pretty open about what we are going through, thinking and feeling). I know I find that it is through writing that I express myself most easily… I know at least part of this is because when the brain fog comes I can pause and think (lol).

What has started scaring me is that everything always sounds right in my head…I know what I mean but I am frightened I no longer know how to “get it out” right. Does that make sense? I have a hard time feeling worthy of being around people and that I am viewed differently than all the “normal” people. So just when I have been feeling a bit better physically I just want to crawl back in my hole like a little ground hog and hide again. I know that fear isn’t right and feeling demoralized isn’t right…. I think part of this apprehension is just spiritually oppression to keep me bound in fear and away from people. That part I need to pray through. I am going to commit to fighting this feeling though and do a better job of reaching out. I know that feeling sick or not I could have done a much better job over the years of not letting myself disappear.

For those reading this on the My Color Is Lyme Facebook page (and those here on WordPress) could you help me out and let me know about your experiences with isolation and social fears and negativity? What about any backlash for sharing too much on your blogs?

An Uttering That Came From Suffering

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Sometimes when going through the hardest times my emotions bleed through words…

Apart

The world is so far away, so distant as it laughs at me with it’s colors and lights

It has always been so far away, the fullness of life has never been real for me

What if life never happens?

What if I spend my days waiting for a beginning that never comes?

What if I am never free?

It would seem I am a world apart, there is a void between it and me

It would seem that my path is different than most

It would seem perhaps I am set apart for Thee

 

The anguish must come to an end, because I can bear no more

The burden of pain and loneliness and disappointment has broken me

Have I come to expect too much from life?

Am I wrong to long for my hopes and dreams?

Perhaps I have sought wrongly?

It would seem I am so far apart, my existence is not what it ought to be

It would seem that life has passed me by

It would seem instead I am set apart for Thee

 

I need to see with different eyes;

As the haze lifts, instead of a prison cell, I see I am in His hiding place

I have been hidden from the horror of the dawn so long,

Lest if shed light on the truth of my empty wasted years…

And reveal the cracks in my skin, and the hollow echo of what could have been

Maybe I should let the sun hit my face and warm my skin?

Maybe He has been waiting for me?

It would seem that He has prepared a different path, a different journey

It would seem perhaps I am not apart, but set apart for Thee