I think “crazy” is not so easily definable as we think sometimes and has levels and facets, different causes and effects. I think we can all dip into “crazy” from time to time in moments or seasons when our view of the world is warped through the lens of something that throws us for a loop. Another definition of crazy is “not in one’s right mind.”
I have asked this question of myself many times on days when my brain and emotions betray me, when my view of the world and my situation in a given moment seem warped; “am I crazy?” Not all the time of course, and not as a constant, but there are times when I know I’m not in my right mind.
Now we know that Lyme and coinfections cross the blood brain barrier and can literally infect the mind, but I think many times it is more complicated and more subtle things going on than even those factors. You see the entire life paradigm is different for people with certain chronic illnesses and not in rhythm with most people. The box we live in and our life experiences are very different, especially after living this way for many years. So I guess it makes sense that we are not always normal. After all, normal is a sliding scale based on majority.
The idea for this post came lying in bed last night after seeing posts from other Lyme/Chronic Illness sufferers on Facebook and thinking that what we suffer physically, cognitively and emotionally can make our viewpoints and behaviors pretty skewed: I see desperation, scattered emotions, TMI, prolific postings, saying things publicly that shouldn’t be said, weird viewpoints that seem to come from places of isolation and disconnection. But I sometimes do it too, and honestly I struggle sometimes with how to balance being honest and “real” in the moment and when it would be best to keep stuff to myself. What’s the answer? I don’t know. I do try and consider my audience; my blog and Lyme page is primarily for fellow sufferers and those that will come after us, to know they are not alone. It is also for friends and family of the ill to get a window into this world. But from time to time I do regret some things I put out there, primarily to my healthy friends, I really must come off as cracked once and a while. I start to second guess myself especially if I get no response to texts or emails and I think people must have a negative opinion of me.
But if we are talking brain stuff, even beyond Lyme and coinfections there is so much that effects the mind it is incredible. Honestly when I consider the complexity of our brains and the 100 trillion (yes, trillion) neuron connections in our brain I am in awe that the chronically ill with all that we are dealing with are not stark-raving mad. Really We are fearfully and wonderfully made.
I had two doctor appointments this week and even though these two brilliant physicians come at treatment and diagnosis from different directions the conclusions are compatible. I cannot even begin to repeat the science and biology that was explained to me by these two doctors who can talk complicated biology and genetics like most of us do daily English about what is going on in my body, but I remember a few things: Pooling dopamine in my brain, dysautonomia, receptors not communicating, parasympathetic nervous system not doing its job….. But what is great is to get validation on the feeling of “disconnect” and yoyo emotions (aka crazy) and knowing that there are real physical reasons behind it. This also helps me understand the ebb and flow of having cycles where I don’t feel in my right mind and not knowing why I feel more normal on some days than others.
So what’s the point of this post? Not sure. But maybe if your chronically ill friend that “looks fine” doesn’t always seem rational, maybe they are experiencing a little slice of crazy.