This chronic disease thing is interesting; on one hand you have days (weeks, months, years…) where you live in kind of a haze, out of touch and not quite yourself (even though you may “look fine” to others). Survival mode as I call is just where you are clinging day to day, surviving, getting by. In that way time just sort of passes you by and even though everything you are missing out on hurts, you are sort of numb to it at the same time.Then you have times where are doing a bit better and get your head above water so-to-speak. These times can be hopeful and wonderful and amazing! And yet you can in these times experience the deep pain of loss and loneliness for everything and everyone you have missed out on in your life. So moments of “life” can be very bitter sweet, and depending on how you handle them, can be even more painful than the drudgery of malaise.
Does anyone else experience this? Where you could almost want to bury your head in the sand again because you feel the pain so acutely of lost time, lost experiences, lost love…. Things unattainable that have passed you by?
It is a fight to live through chronic illness and (I find) it is a fight to come back out of it. I wonder how many people have this experience?
It’s like your body and mind are in a certain gear, and I know having learned about neuropathways that they can be very hard to change, especially with habits, addictions, lifestyles and living a certain way for a long time. But it can be done, so does anyone else who is actually escaping the grip of death by spirochete feel like they have to go through a recovery process and learn how to live?