I am trying to decide the feel and flavor of what to write. I am writing this now on my phone in a sun-filled medical facility with an IV in my right arm.Being that it is the day before the last day of the year I suppose sort of an overview of this year might be good, including praises and difficulties and dusty moldy dreams for he future.
Job and Income.
This last year of 2015 has been an equal mix of blessing and difficulty with being able to go part-time in January at my last job. It was a huge blessing because physically I just couldn’t take the schedule anymore and it felt like being caught in a riptide with constantly expelling energy with no rest. My social life suffered greatly in the last decade with me putting 100% of myself into just working and getting by and having nothing left for anything or anyone. This just wasn’t living.
So I have been immensely blessed to have had a year of restored balance, one that had become foreign to me. However along with that my financial situation deteriorated and I have gotten into a difficult place.
Interestingly enough losing my job in November was also a huge blessing because of things go on in my work situation that added a lot of stress. Also the super early mornings were draining. I can’t quite put it into words, but I feel like this event kick started me into another level of faith in God and being stripped of income brought me to a place where I felt “naked” before God, sort of pure, where it was just me and Him and it was something beautiful. He also used others to help me through this time financially as well and I haven’t been without despite the fact that I have had no paycheck since November.
I am also awestruck how He brought me another job with a kind caring employer, the exact hours I need and a good environment. He aligned everything and all I had to do was trust. The only thing is I am going from a year of financial difficulty into a new year that will be more meager as I am making significantly less hourly than I was at my last job. I don’t know how I will make it but I guess we never do. Sometimes I just want to tell God “I have enough faith! No more please. Just stop with the faith already!” 😒
Also this year saw some huge ups and downs health-wise; I started the year not doing well and being brought down with a viral co-infection in my heart. I reached some really good points earlier in the year and was feeling pretty good, But then along came progesterone that put me (literally) on the floor with fatigue and I felt like I regressed a couple years with my health. Climbing back out of that took months, thankfully just in time for Disneyland (more on that in a minute). After the trip I dipped again for a bit starting a new biofilm protocol and mycoplasma blasters.
The last couple weeks I am feeling myself climb out again and I am really believing that I will be having some pretty fantastic days ahead. Anyone that knows our family knows medical expenses have been insane with all four of us in treatment. It has been about 300,000 so far, and monthly medical costs of prescriptions, supplements and treatments is far above and beyond our incomes. So we pray that this tapers off and God will provide.
Hopes and Dreams.
For some reason it is really hard to even say or type those two words sometimes; hopes and dreams. These last few days have also been terribly difficult emotionally; it is the time of year when you reflect on the fact that it is another year over, and you think about the hopes and dreams of the coming year. It can be very painful to come to this time every year and the hopes and dreams are always the same, forever elusive, dwelling in a seemingly unattainable future.
My dreams are I guess quite pedestrian and simple according to some, but for me they seem as grand as climbing Mount Everest.
I just read a great blog post about speaking our dreams out loud and acknowledging them, and how scary that can be, but how good it is for your soul. So what are my big dreams? I want to be married and have a family and care for them, have my etsy business, be available to others for ministry, maybe write a book someday. I dream of having enough money and resources to help others with chronic illness get treatment and be ministered to.
Those are my big scary dreams. I guess with every year that goes by my dreams grow more mythic and seem less and less like they belong in the realm of my reality.
And now folks for the best two words in the English language put in the correct order to instill hope in our hearts; “But God…..”
I have witnessed in my life and the lives of others what God can do unexpectedly and (mostly) when we just stop worrying, start trusting and walk in obedience no matter what.
God did bring a dream to fruition this summer when my sister and I got to go to Disneyland, something we had been talking about for years. It was through the kindness and great generosity of others that it was possible.
I am also so blessed by the friends that God has brought into my life. More than just acquaintances I have people in my life that walk with me and I with them in genuine love. I was telling my one friend that the people I am closest to in my life have been very easy instantaneous friendships; in that upon meeting each of them for the first time it was like we had known each other always. It is like certain people can just be on your wavelength and you “get them” and they get you. One thing about this is that I have only experienced this within the Body Of Christ; it is beyond just friends but true brothers and sisters.
So my dear friends this is but only a short glimpse into the last year and I am sure I am forgetting many things.
But in short God is faithful always, even if it is not how we expect in our limited views. Please join me in prayer over this coming year that I may see more needs met, have more abundant joy, maybe even see fulfillment of some dreams and not be afraid to dream them.