It is 4:30am and my alarm is set for 8:30am. This has been happening too much lately and it is taking a bit of a toll.
Today is Christmas Eve and I have to admit the tears are falling right now. I am getting hit with that little stab to the heart that happens every holiday season. I know so many people experience this and especially the chronic illness community. I am thinking about later today when we will gather with family and I will see my cousins who are married with kids, my uncle and aunt who are grandparents… Everyone else who are where they ought to be for the stage they are at in their lives, and that deep sense of loneliness hits.
I do have to say that this year has been better in that my health is very much on the upswing and God has been immeasurably good in so many ways, I have so much to be thankful for. I have not been dwelling on my lack at all, but the holiday/birthday blues have been hunting me like a ninja and I succumbed to a sneak attack. So even though I need my sleep and have to work today before the Christmas gathering tonight, I find myself crying in the dark over all the things that haven’t happened yet in my life and swallowing that pity pill that says they never will.
I will get over it of course; Because what I am feeling is pain, loneliness, grief and sadness, none of which come from God, and instead really are what the enemy is using to bring me down and rob me of my joy. Haven’t I been able to claim His joy in my trials? Am I now going to forget that fact in this one?
He has shown me how He can meet my needs far beyond what I can ask or think. After all God’s plan of salvation for mankind was in place before the creation of the world, how much more can He mend me right now?
On that note, I hope I can get a little more sleep right now and my eye puffs will be gone by morning.
Merry Christmas 🎄
Christmas Day Update: So I woke up in the dark yesterday and cried myself awake (never did get back to sleep) and I went to bed last night in the dark and cried myself to sleep. For my tears in the evening between these times my sweet dog comforted me and licked the tears off my nose. It’s so dumb because as I am bawling I am repenting of it at the same time because I know my attitude should be joyful. Oh well, maybe next year will be different.