Stumbling

the last 6 weeks or so I have been struggling. After getting myself on a “good cycle” for a while with the help of my docs I have been in another bout of fatigue, gut stuff, worse swelling…. (My ankles tonight actually scared me). 

I know a big part of it is that the progesterone therapy has been really hard to adjust to. When I started my first round I was knocked down so hard the first 5 days or so with fatigue I couldn’t even stay awake during the day (yes, I am taking it at night). This second round has not been as bad but I am in the midst of what has become the common state of my life for so many years; a state of fatigue and downright tiredness. Now I am going to go into “Lymie speak” because I know the Lymies and the chronic illness sufferers will understand this; this isn’t the same level of “deep to the bones, mind numbing, I think I am going to die, and if I’m not please someone kill me so I can sleep fatigue” that is your life in the midst of the worst of this disease, but it is more like I am still myself but with layers of mono, anemia and maybe a dash of flu. Plus of course the swelling and gut.

But I must say the bad swelling and gut stuff might be exacerbated by the fact that the progesterone strips me of my self-control and makes me want to EAT. And by loss of self-control I am not talking about carbo loading or major cheats, I am talking what bad eating looks like for me, which is stuff like eating pumpkin seeds several days in a row, or some dark chocolate (the good ingredient low-sugar organic kind), and my boldest cheat, gulp, some sheep milk yogurt today. 😔

My body hates me, that’s all I can say. Because the reaction I get feels like I did something truly dreadful like sour dough bread and butter. 

My mind toggles back and forth between “this is crazy, something is desperately wrong because those little things should not cause a full-on autoimmune freak out” and “you have not given your body the break it needs to get better. A bite here, and item there…it’s my own self-sabotage“. I am immensely guilt ridden when I don’t make it though the day with flying colors and can’t control myself as strictly as I would like to, and frustrated that I have been knocked from getting back into a good exercise routine, back to ground zero because of fatigue.  I really want to do a 2 week vegan cleanse just to give my body a break if I can muster up the will power.

Even my coworkers said I looked drained and have been looking sicker and more tired. My skin and color aren’t as good either.

So, how do I get back out of this? I’m not sure but there is one bright light in all this; I have been just rejoicing in the Lord and He has been sustaining me. I have also been able to keep my creativity up, which is also a blessing. Hopefully my body follows soon.  

 

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4 thoughts on “Stumbling

  1. Oh dear Jennifer, I am crushed to read this! Sending hugs and praying that the Lord sustain you in this temporary setback! And thank you for this colorful piece of art. This setback will fit beautifully into the tapestry the Lord is weaving in your life for His glory. He has already used you to minister to so many gals including me. With love, Julie

    • Oh sweet Julie, don’t be crushed. I know this is nothing compared to what you are going through and the Lord is sustaining me.
      I am praising Him all the way through for His blessings

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