Okay so here it is, posting on a day when I’m down.
All in all this week hasn’t been too bad. I have had better energy and been getting through my days more easily (good). But for the last week I have also had much worse insomnia (bad).
My LLMD in Seattle had given me Ambien from the beginning that I have taken semi-consistently throughout treatment due to sleeping troubles. I have gotten myself down to just a 1/3 of a pill per night (approx 3.34mg) and done fine with that along with Zen (GABA and L-Theanine). However this last week I have struggled for hours to fall asleep, spent the night in and out of consciousness and then been waking up around 4am. I am exhausted.
Thursday I ran out of my Ambien and I was going to let it lapse because I would rather not be taking prescription sleeping pills, however Friday I was so physically ill with fatigue that I made an appointment with a general care practitioner to get some more. I didn’t like doing it but Friday was pretty miserable with the fatigue and exacerbated swelling and gut issues that went along with it.
So, the reason I am feeling down; Although I am noticing improvements I am still not seeing a change in the water retention and increased swelling that seem to accompany….everything! (Eat, exercise, make plans…)
This is partially pure vanity (ladies) but it’s tough when I have been on a super strict diet for years, don’t eat too much, get the best nutrition and support that I can and have 20 pounds of toxins and water and fat that won’t budge.
Beyond the vanity it is physically painful and uncomfortable as well and I have a lot of circulation issues.
Besides the deep tissue water I also have “spongy” “wet” “water bed” water that sits under my skin all over my body.
I just had a discussion with Idaho Doc regarding this and he recently read about MTHFR defect, those with Lyme and the deficiency of Vitamin B 1 (Thiamin). Apparently one symptom is spongy wet water retention… Well by Jove I am going to go get me some Thiamin!! I know that I had a test specifically regarding my inability to metabolize vitamin b, so I hope this is a piece of the puzzle. Thing is I have had so many of these “aha” moments over the years I can’t get excited anymore. I have chased more white rabbits down this hole than I can count, and you know bunnies multiply……
So not to talk in circles, but I am also down today because some weekend plans fell through, and (gulp) I went clothes shopping. Yes that ego boosting feel good activity that slaps you across the bum and reminds you that indeed Tyra would never want to see your smize.
Then the mind goes down the other rabbit hole of how old you are, all the things in life you want and have never had, all the dreams that may never come true…..and how lonely you are. I personally also get down on myself and how I am not as good a “specimen” as I would like to be and not worthy of the kind of man I hope I’m waiting for. (I know this is a sucker punch from the enemy).
Right now I am doing my best to pray through the negativity. I know God has a promise in every problem. I know there is a spiritual upgrade through every trial. I know that the only reason I have had to wait on so much is because I am waiting for bigger more spectacular blessings. All these things are true, but isn’t it so hard to get your emotions in agreement with your head and heart?
So I will cry and pray it off
(Pre-fluid flair up, 2008? Interestingly enough I still had fluid problems but not consistently and not to an extreme degree).