Today is Monday, and although I am blessed not to work Mondays they usually aren’t “fun”.
A typical day off for me is waking up in the morning feeling “hungover”, groggy, swollen and puffy, heavy and achy usually with a headache. Do I drink? No. But with the MTHFR defect and Lyme I think everything I take into my body both food and meds just linger longer than they would in a normal person….That plus the die off. So in a way I am poisoned and toxic and have a hangover of a different variety.
So first step (besides letting the dog out) is to get my morning coffee that activates some of the brain cells that are shut off, drink a little beet juice and take some Advil, maybe eat something depending on how I feel, spend some time drinking my coffee and catching up with stuff on my laptop, do a 1 hour infrared sauna session, followed by an Epsom salt bath. By this time I have probably had a bite to eat and taken half of my massive amount of morning pills, I will take the rest when I feel I can handle it. The sauna and bath do help to get rid of some of the toxic feeling. By the time I do eat breakfast it is more of a brunch and I won’t have an official lunch and half the day is gone.
The rest of the day is spend not doing too much….maybe venture out to the grocery store later in the afternoon, etc. But mostly it is me, the tv, fatigue and a small orange dog.
What is good is that God has brought me out of the depression that living this way for years did to me. (That has been quite a process). At least now I do believe that healing is imminent, I just have to carry on with grace.
One thing that God brought to my mind this morning as I was pondering my unknown future, my singleness and loneliness and the fact that I feel I am running out of time is “bowing the knee to what I don’t know”. This really struck me in a profound way. The concept is nothing new to me but sometimes God brings things to our hearts in fresh ways.
What this means to me is that it is in the unknown that God can work in His sovereignty and in His plans for us. This is the place that our knowledge ends and His is infinite. He can see our lives beginning to end and His plans cannot be thwarted and our hardships are not only no surprise to Him but rather they are interwoven in His design for our good and His glory. Our minds can only grasp so much and we cannot see what God is doing.
So very many years ago I asked Him for the miraculous, for things extraordinary, things in my life that would be jaw-dropping amazing and glorifying to Him. Should I ever doubt that even that prayer came from the heart of God? I think not. The only thing was I didn’t ask for specifics, just miracles and God knows exactly how these things will come to pass.
That is why it crept into my mind today to bow my knee to the unknown, to the place where my vision ends and into the space where God is working to do far beyond what I can think or hope for….