“Why Don’t You Just Push Through?”

Haven’t we all been here?
Reblogged from Lipstick Warpaint

lipstick warpaint

Today, someone said to me something that I know a lot of people are thinking. “Why don’t you just push through? Why don’t you just try to live normally and do what you want, regardless if you might hurt a little more the next day.” “Maybe if you stay busy, and get a part-time job, you would feel better.”

I didn’t know what to say. I was so taken aback that I couldn’t even respond without stuttering while also trying to be polite. Because apparently I am a meek, passive person. Soon after, I cried. I cried a lot. Because that’s what meek people do.

I cried because I am feeling insecure. I am scared that my mind doesn’t work as well as it used to. I get so frustrated when I can’t find the words to complete my thoughts… I know my body isn’t strong like it once was…

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Worshipping As An Act Of Defiance

We usually think of defiance as beating the odds, taking up arms, standing in opposition or defying our circumstances and radically overcoming them. But do we very often think of worship as being those exact same things? Worship in the midst of difficulty is just that, it is an act of defiance.

When we worship when things are hard it is not a weak thing to do, it’s a tough thing to do. It’s tough because it means seeing outside of where we are and into something bigger. It is putting the faith that God is greater than our pain into action and straight into praise.

Worship is an act of defiance: We praise God saying “I will not be overcome by my pain, I will not surrender to the lie that there is no hope or no point to what I’m going through. I will instead choose to declare that God is greater, God has a plan and a purpose”. Nothing is harder than reaching out of your fatigue, pain, discomfort…and lifting yourself up to worship. Sometimes I have to do it in a small whisper, sometimes through tears, but it is always uplifting. Every time I find this place I am acutely reminded that I fail at doing this most of the time.

Worship is an act of war: When the enemy tries to bring you down, make you lose hope, lose heart, give up, worship is a declaration of war and a battle cry that spits in the face of darkness and says “I am with the One who overcame the world, you have no hold on me”. This is powerful. Even when you don’t “feel” like it simply acting first will help the emotions to follow. There is something beautiful about stepping out in faith with worship and praise and letting your heart follow. Worship is a trumpet shout that God is greater than your circumstances.

I am sharing this because I need to be reminded of it a lot. But sometimes it’s the little things that bring to mind how small my problems really are in proportion to how big God is. In those precious times when it is just you and God the world does just fade away, problems and all. If God says He inhabits the praises of His people then our suffering should be the place of invitation to His dwelling.

Bowing The Knee To What We Don’t Know

Today is Monday, and although I am blessed not to work Mondays they usually aren’t “fun”.
A typical day off for me is waking up in the morning feeling “hungover”, groggy, swollen and puffy, heavy and achy usually with a headache. Do I drink? No. But with the MTHFR defect and Lyme I think everything I take into my body both food and meds just linger longer than they would in a normal person….That plus the die off. So in a way I am poisoned and toxic and have a hangover of a different variety.
So first step (besides letting the dog out) is to get my morning coffee that activates some of the brain cells that are shut off, drink a little beet juice and take some Advil, maybe eat something depending on how I feel, spend some time drinking my coffee and catching up with stuff on my laptop, do a 1 hour infrared sauna session, followed by an Epsom salt bath. By this time I have probably had a bite to eat and taken half of my massive amount of morning pills, I will take the rest when I feel I can handle it. The sauna and bath do help to get rid of some of the toxic feeling. By the time I do eat breakfast it is more of a brunch and I won’t have an official lunch and half the day is gone.
The rest of the day is spend not doing too much….maybe venture out to the grocery store later in the afternoon, etc. But mostly it is me, the tv, fatigue and a small orange dog.

What is good is that God has brought me out of the depression that living this way for years did to me. (That has been quite a process). At least now I do believe that healing is imminent, I just have to carry on with grace.
One thing that God brought to my mind this morning as I was pondering my unknown future, my singleness and loneliness and the fact that I feel I am running out of time is “bowing the knee to what I don’t know”. This really struck me in a profound way. The concept is nothing new to me but sometimes God brings things to our hearts in fresh ways.
What this means to me is that it is in the unknown that God can work in His sovereignty and in His plans for us. This is the place that our knowledge ends and His is infinite. He can see our lives beginning to end and His plans cannot be thwarted and our hardships are not only no surprise to Him but rather they are interwoven in His design for our good and His glory. Our minds can only grasp so much and we cannot see what God is doing.

So very many years ago I asked Him for the miraculous, for things extraordinary, things in my life that would be jaw-dropping amazing and glorifying to Him. Should I ever doubt that even that prayer came from the heart of God? I think not. The only thing was I didn’t ask for specifics, just miracles and God knows exactly how these things will come to pass.
That is why it crept into my mind today to bow my knee to the unknown, to the place where my vision ends and into the space where God is working to do far beyond what I can think or hope for….

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The a Emotional Ups and Downs of Lyme, you are not Alone

My Color Is Lyme

This is a re-post from May, but it is so relevant to the journey of the Lyme sufferer. When you are so ill that you are barely functioning you literally just live life day to day, because that is all you can handle, I call it survivor mode. When in survivor mode you ignore all the “big” things…all the things that normal people are out there doing because it is just too much, and too painful. So what happens when you start to feel a little better? You realize how much older you are, how many years this disease has eaten away, how very lonely and single you are (at least me), and that your youth was eaten by bacteria…literally. 

   I am in NO way ungrateful, but the emotional toll of Lyme can be equally if not more of a trial than the illness itself. That said, here is…

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WEIRD Die Off…. Giddiness Anyone?

So this is the second time in this round of die-off that along with my balance issues I feel very strangely mellow and chill, a little disconnected and well… rather giddy and happy. Everything is extremely funny today for some reason. But I am going to embrace the feeling right now in not feeling down and simply rejoice because discomfort or no I am in a place of healing. So this is my verse for today:

Psalm 30

1I will extol You, O LORD, for You have lifted me up,
            And have not let my enemies rejoice over me.

      2O LORD my God,
            I cried to You for help, and You healed me.

      3O LORD, You have brought up my soul from Sheol;
            You have kept me alive, that I would not go down to the pit.

      4Sing praise to the LORD, you His godly ones,
            And give thanks to His holy name.

      5For His anger is but for a moment,
            His favor is for a lifetime;
            Weeping may last for the night,
            But a shout of joy comes in the morning.

      6Now as for me, I said in my prosperity,
            “I will never be moved.”

      7O LORD, by Your favor You have made my mountain to stand strong;
            You hid Your face, I was dismayed.

      8To You, O LORD, I called,

  And to the Lord I made supplication:

      9“What profit is there in my blood, if I go down to the pit?
            Will the dust praise You? Will it declare Your faithfulness?

      10“Hear, O LORD, and be gracious to me;
            O LORD, be my helper.”

      11You have turned for me my mourning into dancing;
            You have loosed my sackcloth and girded me with gladness,

      12That my soul may sing praise to You and not be silent.
            O LORD my God, I will give thanks to You forever.

Le Weekende’

So this is day 3 of being mostly in bed, mostly….

Thankfully after a slight adjust to my supplements per my LLMD in Idaho last Thursday some of the die off symptoms that were bad last week are either much better or mostly gone. No more mini seizure-ish things, hard heart beat and chest pain mostly gone, headaches are better, less vertigo….
The weekend has however found me pretty much in bed because (like we all know) it takes a heck of a lot of energy to tell my body to get up and do anything. I think I have exhausted everything that is interesting at Redbox and my On Demand options are growing thin, he he.
Aw well. Been through this before with much worse intensity, so my spirits aren’t too bad. I must confess it is the vanity in me that is most plagued by the increased inflammation right now and feeling rather like a manatee. Nothing against manatees, of course…gentle creatures of the sea, but they are rather rotund are they not?
These things too shall pass. Got The Lord and an orange Pomeranian 🙂

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