So yesterday I posted something I had written one year ago, it had hope and worship in the theme, but I remember how I was trying to pull that from a very deep place and was really struggling to “feel” it.
One year ago I just started my Lyme treatment after being on a couple months of “prep”, involving detoxing, being treated for mold, etc. I had just lost my job of 4 years and the herxing had begun. So began a few of the worst months of my life. From September into December of 2012 was when I was pretty much bed ridden except for maybe feeling up to going to the grocery store a few times a week. My friends can tell you I disappeared off the face of the earth, and really didn’t even feel up to taking phone calls.
But more than physical desolation was my spiritual and emotional state. I had to dig deep whenever I spoke of hope, because I wasn’t feeling it. I was really dealing with depression and hopelessness. I look at where I was then, and who I was then as a person, and I am struck with awe at how much God has changed me, and I mean this from more than just who I was as a sick person, but down to the inner core of my being.
He has brought me from timidity to boldness. He has changed me from fearful to strong and faithful. He has changed my outlook on life and reason for being. All these things He has been working on over time of course, but the amazing work He has done just in a year is striking. I am entering a place of peace now like nothing I have ever known, and all I can say is that it is far beyond me and my capabilities, it is divine.
I have been listening to Times Of Refreshing by Graham Cooke the last three days, it is about joy and rejoicing. So much is resonating with me…about not looking at the negative, but instead knowing that God has more abundance of joy available to us in suffering. We can reach an even higher level than otherwise possible in our rejoicing, our trust and our faith than we could if all was well. “Lamentation is the highest form of rejoicing, because it has a ‘though’ and ‘yet’. Though I am suffering, even if He slay me yet will I worship Him”
Let me tell you that this is true!!! God is doing something miraculous in me, I am attaining peace beyond understanding, joy despite circumstance! I am so happy right now! And I honestly can’t understand it other then God. Because I have literally spent the last eight years or so of my life grieving; grieving my lost youth, wasted years, my sick body, all my disappointments, my intense loneliness…Living everyday in grief is not living, and it only gives you yet another day of grief.
I know that a huge part of my countenance was my illness and what it was doing to my mind, even as I was starting to get better I was having a hard time pulling out of grief and hopelessness. Because of course if you start to get better after so many years of sickness it really hits you how much older you are, and just how much waste trails behind you…I came to a place of truly surrendering all this to God, and He replaced it with peace and joy.
So one year ago I lost my job and panicked. One year ago I was desperately ill and hopeless. One year ago I felt so unworthy of love or for anything good to happen to me.
Today suddenly I find myself without fretting. Instead of grieving I see how God has/is working all the suffering, illness and all the rest for my good and His glory. I am not the same. Now it is my job just to keep giving it back to Him when the doubts and fears try and creep in, because they have no business being a part of me anymore.